Newsletter subscriber exclusive: Well-being Lab is launching May 7 and you have a free membership to join a monthly community call! Details are included at the end of this newsletter.
As a Well-being Strategist, my mission is to help people take charge of their well-being and develop strategies and practices to live well on their terms. Each issue of my newsletter focuses on one pillar; this month is Relationship Well-being: You have supportive people and meaningful connections in your life.
It’s the quality of our relationships that determine the quality of our lives. – Esther Perel, Therapist, Author and Speaker.
Prioritizing relationships is a first principle for me, meaning it is a fundamental life commitment (AKA: a non-negotiable). I nurture quality over quantity in my relationships, which suits my introvert nature. Extroverts tend to have a larger network and spread themselves more thinly across their friends, while introverts concentrate on a smaller pool of deeper contacts (women generally have slightly more contacts within the closest layers), which leads me to reflect on Dunbar’s Number.
Thirty years ago, Robin Dunbar theorized humans can maintain a friendship group of 150 people, with five intimate friendships. Despite many attempts to challenge the theory, Dunbar’s Number has stood the test of time.
According to the theory, the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognize). People migrate in and out of these layers, but the idea is that space must be carved out for any new entrants, keeping the base at around 150 meaningful connections.
Nurturing these relationships is an important part of establishing supportive and meaningful relationships in your life, however there is one relationship central to well-being, and it is the relationship with yourself. How you relate, connect, and support yourself mirrors the type of loved one, friend, contact and acquaintance you are with others.
Relationship well-being begins with treating yourself with kindness, respect and compassion – truly enjoying your own company, feeling good in your own skin, and knowing the love you show yourself will ripple out to others. Your thoughts and self-talk are examples of your relationship with yourself and a test I use when I notice negative self-talk is asking myself: Would you speak to someone you love this way?
Just as a seed can grow into only one kind of tree, thoughts can produce effects only of the same nature. Kindness to others, to take just one example, favors a nervous system that is kind to itself. – Krishna in The Bhagavad Gita Being
Being in relationship unconditionally, with yourself and other people, begins with unconditional self love. This means that you do not place conditions on yourself such as –
When I lose weight, I will be ready for…
If I was smarter, I would be worthy of….
I would be a better person if I….
You are innately wise, loving, and generous – this part of human nature. So, start there as the baseline and use the following prompts to build awareness for the things that matter most to you, which keep you grounded in what you value and who you are at your core.
First Principles: These are your fundamental life commitments.
- List your life non-negotiables, the things you base big decisions around, such as where to live, how you spend free time, what you save money for.
- Examples: family, travel, education, service
Core Values: The tenets that drive your life and shape who you are.
- Use this core values exercise to discover your current core values.
- Underneath your life commitments, write your core values and place this list somewhere you will see it every day.
Living in Integrity: Ability to act in accordance with your values.
- Reflect on areas in your life where you are not living in integrity and create a pact for aligning those areas with your values.
- Example: If honesty is a core value and you have a relationship where you are not completely honest, consider the next step in that relationship so that it aligns with your integrity.
- Establish a timeline for addressing each area out of integrity and schedule a monthly check-in to track progress.
- Read a personal story about discovering how I was living out of my integrity.
Connecting deeply with yourself strengthens your capacity for deep and meaningful relationships with others. I call this the Relationship Ripple and I encourage you to send that ripple of goodness into the world!
Relationship well-being is having supportive people and meaningful connections in your life. Start with the relationship with yourself and grow from there.
Well-being Lab: monthly community call details
As a newsletter subscriber I am excited to welcome you to the Well-being Lab: a free community with well-being tips and strategies for living well on your terms. Each month will feature a well-being topic, Q&A, and community discussion.
There is no cost or obligation to be a part of the Well-being Lab, and if you miss a month don’t worry – just join the next month. The calls will not be recorded, so please plan to join live. I will send details for joining the video call a few days prior - save the date for Wednesday, May 7th, 8-8:45am PT!
Contact me with any questions: email: well-being@sharmanghio.com or text (425) 516-8067.
Wishing you peace, health, and happiness!
-Sharman
